Episode 281

full
Published on:

22nd Oct 2024

Build Stronger Connections through Active Listening with Deb Porter | RR281

What if really listening could transform your relationships, both personal and professional?

In this episode, I chat with Deb Porter, a communication expert and founder of Hearing Out Life Drama. Deb is passionate about the power of listening and how it can change the way we connect with others. She believes that what many call soft skills should really be thought of as essential skills, and she shares how these skills have become the core of her work.

Deb's approach goes beyond just hearing words — she teaches the art of active listening, which involves fully engaging with both the content and the emotions behind what someone is saying.


We discuss how listening begins with us and why being calm and centered is the key to truly hearing others. Deb shares stories from her career, including how her experiences working in a funeral home helped her realize the importance of empathy and presence. She also talks about her work with teams and businesses, helping them develop stronger communication and leadership skills by focusing on empathy and understanding.


Highlights:

  • Deb emphasizes that listening starts with being calm and centered, so we can fully engage with what’s being communicated.
  • Active listening involves understanding both the content and the emotions behind what someone says, which builds stronger connections.
  • Empathy is a critical part of leadership, and learning to see things from another person’s perspective can transform team dynamics.
  • Many people feel they can’t talk to their close connections about personal issues, making platforms like Deb’s invaluable for honest communication.
  • Emotional intelligence and listening are essential skills that are often overlooked but are crucial in both personal and professional settings.


Connect with Deb:


LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/deblhporter/


Email: info@hearingoutlifedrama.com


In appreciation for being here, I have some gifts for you:

A LinkedIn Checklist for setting up your fully optimized Profile:

An opportunity to test drive the Follow Up system I recommend by taking the

3 Card Sampler – you won’t regret it.


AND … Don’t forget to connect with me on LinkedIn and be eligible for my

complimentary LinkedIn profile audit – I do one each month for a lucky

listener!


Connect with me:

http://JanicePorter.com

https://www.linkedin.com/in/janiceporter/

https://www.facebook.com/janiceporter1

https://www.instagram.com/socjanice/


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Transcript
Janice Porter:

Deb, hello everyone and welcome my guest

Janice Porter:

today is Deb Porter, a really dear friend of mine, I believe.

Janice Porter:

And even though we haven't known each other that long, I feel

Janice Porter:

like we have, and I think that's a tribute to her communication

Janice Porter:

skills, and in in in particular, listening, alright, this is

Janice Porter:

Deb's Bailey wick. I love that word and not, not used very

Janice Porter:

often. So first of all, welcome to the show, Deb.

Deb Porter:

Thank you so much, Janice. I'm excited to be here,

Janice Porter:

my pleasure, and so excited to have you. So in

Janice Porter:

your in your bio, you talk about, you think that soft

Janice Porter:

skills need to be reframed or re coined as essential skills, and

Janice Porter:

I totally agree with you. Back in the day, when I was working a

Janice Porter:

contract position for a long time as a trainer in the

Janice Porter:

telephone company, I used to teach soft skills, and those in

Janice Porter:

that context were telephone, courtesy, customer service,

Janice Porter:

things, listening was one of the things that was part of my my

Janice Porter:

course that I taught, and how to deal with difficult customers

Janice Porter:

and all these things. How can we say these are soft skills. They

Janice Porter:

are so totally essential to be able to work, communicate and

Janice Porter:

and, you know, treat people well. They're very, very

Janice Porter:

important. And so I know that in your company, I want you to tell

Janice Porter:

me about how this came about for you and how the focus is in

Janice Porter:

hold, hearing out life drama, which is the name of your

Janice Porter:

company, has become your mission. And so talk to me about

Janice Porter:

that. Oh my goodness. Tell my viewers about why should it be

Janice Porter:

an essential skill? Talk to me about that.

Deb Porter:

Well, first of all, I don't know if your listeners

Deb Porter:

might know, but in 1969 that's actually from the army, from the

Deb Porter:

military. That's where the the term soft skills was coined. And

Deb Porter:

so, yes, so I actually researched that, because I was

Deb Porter:

like, I need to know, where did this come from, and why, and why

Deb Porter:

has it stuck? And so I think because it was, you know, a

Deb Porter:

government term. And, you know, across our nation, it really

Deb Porter:

spread, and it dug into our to our frame of business. And I

Deb Porter:

just feel like what you said so beautifully in your example,

Deb Porter:

from you know, your earlier position, that communication is

Deb Porter:

life altering in all aspects of the business, whether it's in

Deb Porter:

customer service or in in sales or or whatever. So, yeah, how

Deb Porter:

did I so? How did I end up here? My background and training is

Deb Porter:

actually as a United Methodist pastor. I have a 96 hour master

Deb Porter:

divinity degree with a specialization in care and

Deb Porter:

counseling. That's where I get the the knowledge and the

Deb Porter:

authority to do what I do. And then, of course, through my

Deb Porter:

life, I've built upon that. I'm now 52 and I was working at a

Deb Porter:

funeral home. When I had the idea for my business, the

Deb Porter:

funeral home changed the compensation package they were

Deb Porter:

offering, and I was like, Okay, if I can do anything in my life

Deb Porter:

right now, what is it that I really want to do? And what came

Deb Porter:

to me as I was holding my towels was really, what if I just

Deb Porter:

listen? What if I just listen? I mean, it's so basic and so

Deb Porter:

human, but that's, that's kind of me, and that's who I am. I'm,

Deb Porter:

I'm really down to earth. And so, yeah, so I built a business

Deb Porter:

around listening,

Janice Porter:

amazing, really. But listening isn't just

Janice Porter:

listening. There. There are many ways that we listen or don't

Janice Porter:

listen. So Can you expound on that a little bit?

Deb Porter:

So a lot of times, people think that listening

Deb Porter:

starts with the other person, and what I teach is it does not

Deb Porter:

listening starts with you, and you have to come into a

Deb Porter:

conversation calm and ready to hear. And I think that's the

Deb Porter:

piece that most people don't get or and it can throw them off,

Deb Porter:

because if you haven't taken the time to be calm and centered at

Deb Porter:

the beginning of an interaction, then you're not able to stay

Deb Porter:

focused and clear through, throughout so

Janice Porter:

well, I would say today, what comes to mind when

Janice Porter:

you say that is, it's we make it so much harder for ourselves

Janice Porter:

today, for ourselves today with that exact example, because the

Janice Porter:

minute we sit down at a at a meeting or whatever, our phones

Janice Porter:

on our desk or on the table, and that's a distraction from the

Janice Porter:

word go. And I watched a great Simon Sinek video one time about

Janice Porter:

cell phones and and, and he said something like, and don't think

Janice Porter:

that because you turn your phone upside down on the table that it

Janice Porter:

makes any difference, your phone does not belong there. You know,

Janice Porter:

in that meeting, and we all do it. I did it last night. We I

Janice Porter:

was at a dinner thing, which was a networking event, and I saw

Janice Porter:

that some few of the other girls had put their phone out there.

Janice Porter:

Because sometimes, like I, I use it as an example to show. To

Janice Porter:

this LinkedIn tool that I use with the with the QR code that

Janice Porter:

people have, and I want to share it with them if it comes up,

Janice Porter:

but, and I don't have business cards anymore, because I use my

Janice Porter:

phone as that, but, but it's not right, because it's distracts us

Janice Porter:

from listening, from what I know you call them, what I know to be

Janice Porter:

active listening. Yes, right? Yeah, exactly,

Deb Porter:

yeah. So active. So what do we mean when we're

Deb Porter:

talking about active listening? What does that exactly mean? So

Deb Porter:

active listening is the art of fully engaging both with content

Deb Porter:

and emotion. Let's to do the definition. That's my

Deb Porter:

definition. The I'll say it again, the art of fully engaging

Deb Porter:

with the content and the emotions. So I think a lot of

Deb Porter:

times, I've had questions come back from people and they're

Deb Porter:

saying, you know, this person just keeps going on and on and

Deb Porter:

on and on and on. I just don't get why. They don't understand

Deb Porter:

that I'm hearing them. And what I offer is are, are you making

Deb Porter:

sure to reflect back to them the feeling of what they're saying?

Deb Porter:

Because you you're getting the content, but unless they

Deb Porter:

understand that the feeling is also heard, they're not going to

Deb Porter:

be able to move on. So and then I see light bulbs come on. They

Deb Porter:

go, Oh no, I didn't actually well.

Janice Porter:

And also they that kind of person finds it

Janice Porter:

difficult to not interrupt, but to get into the flow of that

Janice Porter:

conversation, they let the person continue and continue and

Janice Porter:

continue. And sometimes people do that because they're nervous

Janice Porter:

or because they because the person that hasn't drawn right

Janice Porter:

hasn't been drawn in or whatever. So I think it takes

Janice Porter:

both parties for sure. But you you talked about you don't know

Janice Porter:

if you're being heard. And I think there's a difference

Janice Porter:

between hearing and listening 100% Yeah. Okay, so I just

Janice Porter:

wanted to clarify that, because I could hear you but not have

Janice Porter:

listened to anything you said. I remember when my daughter, one

Janice Porter:

of my daughters, was was little, and I was working and and I was

Janice Porter:

always, you know, distracted because I had to get lunches

Janice Porter:

made, or I had to get the dishes done, or I had to get dinner

Janice Porter:

made, or whatever. And that's the time after school between,

Janice Porter:

you know, when you're preparing dinner, when the kids will come

Janice Porter:

to you and want to share something with you, and you make

Janice Porter:

the mistake quite often of listening while you're doing

Janice Porter:

something else, but you're not really listening, so you miss

Janice Porter:

it, right? And it's not fair to the child. And I think I

Janice Porter:

remember, I think one time my daughter said to me, I'll tell

Janice Porter:

you later when you when, when I think you're listening, you

Janice Porter:

know? And then the light bulb goes on there, too, right? It's

Janice Porter:

like, oh, wait, I need to have full attention when I'm talking

Janice Porter:

and listening with my or having a conversation with my child.

Janice Porter:

That's so important, right? More than any of these business

Janice Porter:

things, as far as I'm concerned, but it's one of those examples,

Janice Porter:

right? Well, and

Deb Porter:

I think it happens in business too. I can give you

Deb Porter:

an example from the funeral home. I experienced a colleague

Deb Porter:

who was frustrating me, and I finally it escalated to the

Deb Porter:

point where I felt I needed to go speak to the manager. I was

Deb Porter:

going to explode, which is very rare for me. Like, imagine how

Deb Porter:

extreme this was, because it was pretty rare for me. And so I

Deb Porter:

went and knocked on his door, and he was doing something, and

Deb Porter:

I said, I need some I need some of your time to talk about a

Deb Porter:

thing. Do you have time to do that? And he was like, typing

Deb Porter:

away doing something else he's like, but he, he was able to

Deb Porter:

say, give me one minute to finish this, and then I'll be

Deb Porter:

able to focus on you. And then he really did. He he shifted his

Deb Porter:

whole body language, everything he did let me know, okay, you

Deb Porter:

now have my full attention, and let's, let's really hear this.

Deb Porter:

And that's really powerful, because as a manager, he needed

Deb Porter:

to hear how to present, yeah, so. But you know, if he had just

Deb Porter:

said, Oh, well, you know what? What is it? And continued to

Deb Porter:

type his message, which he had done other times in the past,

Deb Porter:

and it was the way I framed it. I need your attention right now.

Deb Porter:

My experience with that was different, so I think managers

Deb Porter:

really need to tune in, pay attention. I mean, I think

Deb Porter:

parents too. There's not that we ever want to just ignore, but

Deb Porter:

really know those important we don't want to miss those

Deb Porter:

important moments ever well. And

Janice Porter:

we're teaching that, that we're teaching that

Janice Porter:

way of doing things too. If we show that we're paying attention

Janice Porter:

fully, then they will learn to do the same, right? And I know

Janice Porter:

that when it comes to an old tool, the telephone, which I

Janice Porter:

still love to use, because that was my first go to when I was

Janice Porter:

first starting out in business, showing my age now, but the

Janice Porter:

telephone, and I still love the telephone, and when I call

Janice Porter:

somebody, and sometimes I do, sometimes I get a prompting to

Janice Porter:

call somebody, like I'm on LinkedIn and I'm looking at

Janice Porter:

something, and I see that they're online, or I so possibly

Janice Porter:

at their desk, and I'll just look and see if there's a phone

Janice Porter:

number, or if I you know. Um, I don't know. I just get a

Janice Porter:

prompting to call someone, but when I do, and I and if they

Janice Porter:

answer, the first thing I always say is, thank you so much for

Janice Porter:

picking up the bone, because it's such a rare thing. Although

Janice Porter:

I think it's coming back, I really do. However, when they

Janice Porter:

do, I do ask them, Do you have a couple of minutes? Because if

Janice Porter:

they don't, I'm not going to start rambling on, right?

Janice Porter:

Because then they're really not going to like it and they're not

Janice Porter:

going to listen. So that's, that's the key, right? Okay, so

Janice Porter:

you have the privilege of, in your work, listening to many

Janice Porter:

personal dramas through your platform. What are some common

Janice Porter:

themes that you've noticed in the stories that people share,

Janice Porter:

and how have these impacted your perspective on relationships?

Janice Porter:

Because, you know, I'm all about relationships.

Deb Porter:

Yeah, so going to the B to C side of the business,

Deb Porter:

I'll shift shift my mindset a little bit the the common theme,

Deb Porter:

there's a lot of fear of judgment among people. And a lot

Deb Porter:

of people are coming and saying, you know, I just really couldn't

Deb Porter:

talk to my family about this. They wouldn't understand. Or I,

Deb Porter:

I knew they would give me advice when that's really not what I

Deb Porter:

need. Those, those two things are very common, on the person

Deb Porter:

the drum, yeah, on the personal side, on the drama side. Yeah,

Deb Porter:

okay, and yeah, is

Janice Porter:

it? Is it easy? Do you believe then? Because I

Janice Porter:

do that, it's easier sometimes to talk to a stranger than it is

Janice Porter:

to talk to someone who's really close and has a bias already?

Deb Porter:

Yeah, I think there's a place for both. And we

Deb Porter:

need both. We're humans. We need relationships, as you well know.

Deb Porter:

Yeah, so, but there are times that things come up and they're,

Deb Porter:

you know, family, friends or co workers, are too close to the

Deb Porter:

problem, like they're involved in it, or worse, they really are

Deb Porter:

the problem, and you can't talk to them about them about it.

Deb Porter:

You've already tried, and there hasn't been a resolution yet,

Deb Porter:

and it's still a little bit stuck. And so having the

Deb Porter:

opportunity then to really talk that through can be so

Deb Porter:

beneficial?

Janice Porter:

Okay, let's shift it to the business side. Now a

Janice Porter:

little bit. How do you think listening and empathy skills,

Janice Porter:

essential for your platform, translate into stronger

Janice Porter:

professional relationships, especially in leadership or team

Janice Porter:

dynamics? Let

Deb Porter:

me give you an example from a team training

Deb Porter:

that I did. The gentleman asked the question, how do I offer

Deb Porter:

empathy to the CEO who I just think is expletive deleted? And

Deb Porter:

I was like, well, that's great. That's a great question. How do

Deb Porter:

you do that? Like, what do you what do you think it's like in

Deb Porter:

his role right now? And so we really started to just think

Deb Porter:

about, have, have you had an opportunity to interact with

Deb Porter:

him, very much on a personal level? Have you Do you know much

Deb Porter:

about what the pressures are in his life, in his role? And I

Deb Porter:

started to offer questions and further, like develop that, and

Deb Porter:

kind of develop a persona of of a guy that he really hadn't seen

Deb Porter:

as a person. He saw him as this thing, but he didn't understand

Deb Porter:

that he might be responding as a as a result of the pressures he

Deb Porter:

felt in in the role, and he might actually be trying to

Deb Porter:

protect this gentleman. And he was missing that. He wasn't even

Deb Porter:

seeing that. And so we can develop empathy by really

Deb Porter:

looking all the way around what, what it is that they're

Deb Porter:

presenting us what, and then starting to wonder, okay, well,

Deb Porter:

how,

Janice Porter:

what are they presenting? What

Deb Porter:

are they exactly? Yeah, well, and that can get

Deb Porter:

tricky, because what you don't want to do is make assumptions

Deb Porter:

about people that's that's never better, but asking questions and

Deb Porter:

getting you know, curiosity, I know, is one of your things,

Deb Porter:

yeah, and so I think that's super important. When we get

Deb Porter:

curious and we we suspend our judgment a little bit, and we

Deb Porter:

start to look all the way around the problem, then we can get

Deb Porter:

somewhere, somewhere new and different, and have empathy,

Deb Porter:

exactly as you said, for for someone else that it's a

Deb Porter:

struggle with.

Janice Porter:

Okay? So as someone who listens to life's

Janice Porter:

many dramas. How do you handle your own emotional balance while

Janice Porter:

being so involved in others experiences?

Deb Porter:

So as I stated at the beginning, I am a spiritual

Deb Porter:

person. So that's that's a part of who I am and what I do. And

Deb Porter:

so I have a very strong meditation practice that I start

Deb Porter:

my morning with, and I understand that if I don't take

Deb Porter:

care of me, I don't have anything to pour out of so

Deb Porter:

before this conversation, you may have noticed that I was into

Deb Porter:

the Zoom Room five minutes ahead of time, and so I was already

Deb Porter:

doing some centering things for myself before this conversation

Deb Porter:

to make sure I was at my best to be able to present to you and

Deb Porter:

your audience something that was really powerful,

Janice Porter:

perfect. Thank you. So what are your hopes for

Janice Porter:

the future of hold hearing out life drama? I know I think

Janice Porter:

you've got some exciting projects or collaborations on

Janice Porter:

the horizon, anything you'd like to share with us?

Deb Porter:

Oh my goodness. So I'm really excited about the

Deb Porter:

part. Partnerships with lawyers that we've got started, and the

Deb Porter:

whole concept around that is, you know, lawyers are went into

Deb Porter:

it because they wanted to uphold the law and help people and but

Deb Porter:

as I understand their background and training, they were taught

Deb Porter:

the law, but they weren't necessarily taught the emotional

Deb Porter:

intelligence skills, and so a lot of them got thrown into the

Deb Porter:

deep end without knowing how to do the active listening and the

Deb Porter:

emotional intelligence piece is really required. And they can

Deb Porter:

feel really overwhelmed by all of that. It can feel like, for

Deb Porter:

example, one, one woman wrote, you know, I just spent the last,

Deb Porter:

I don't know, six months, nine months, on this woman's case,

Deb Porter:

and I wrote 85 I think it was 85 emails. It was a ridiculous

Deb Porter:

amount. And, you know, answering, showing up in court,

Deb Porter:

doing all the things, and she won and and the Google review

Deb Porter:

that she left was that I did a good job. Like, what, what do

Deb Porter:

these people want from me? And what, what people want from you

Deb Porter:

is really that active listening and that emotional intelligence,

Deb Porter:

and when you present that, that's what's really going to

Deb Porter:

connect and give you that excellent review. Yeah, for

Deb Porter:

sure. Okay, so

Janice Porter:

we're talking about a specific type of

Janice Porter:

attorney here, or lawyer, a divorce and family lawyer, okay,

Janice Porter:

and, and I know exactly what you're talking about. They, they

Janice Porter:

can come across as very stiff or very left brain, all left brain,

Janice Porter:

right? You don't see any emotion. But now I forgot what I

Janice Porter:

was going to say. What was I going to say? Oh, that is the, I

Janice Porter:

don't know. There's a fine line right between them, having to be

Janice Porter:

in control for you when you're having all the emotional upset

Janice Porter:

about what you're going through, but that empathy piece again,

Janice Porter:

come needs to be there. You know, I can know you're

Janice Porter:

listening to me, but I don't know that you actually care, or

Janice Porter:

I'm just another case number. So that's the important piece for

Janice Porter:

me. I think there, and I've been through through that, so I I

Janice Porter:

totally identify. But do you find that the lawyers or

Janice Porter:

attorneys that you're that are coming your way are female, or

Janice Porter:

are they male and female?

Deb Porter:

At this time, I see a lot more interest on the how,

Deb Porter:

on, on the male side, I would say it's probably, uh, 7525 75%

Deb Porter:

male. It's, it's strongly leaning that way in terms of the

Deb Porter:

business. It also strongly leans that way in terms of my, the

Deb Porter:

personal side of my business, that is entirely female. Um,

Deb Porter:

that's, but that's way more skewed 97%

Janice Porter:

Wow. Okay, yeah, okay,

Janice Porter:

okay, so let's just elaborate on that, just a little bit, because

Janice Porter:

I think it's a great partnership. So if not not

Janice Porter:

saying I have divorce attorneys as my audience, but one never

Janice Porter:

knows there may be somebody out there listening. But what would

Janice Porter:

you say are the key benefits of partnering with someone like you

Janice Porter:

to support their clients beyond the legal framework?

Deb Porter:

I think that the first benefit is, of course, the

Deb Porter:

calm mind. Because if, if a client's able to have a

Deb Porter:

conversation with myself or one of my colleagues and really be

Deb Porter:

heard, they'll be able to come into the meeting with you with a

Deb Porter:

clear mind, and instead of presenting all of this having

Deb Porter:

that emotional dysregulation, they'll be able to to create

Deb Porter:

that more quickly and maintain it throughout.

Janice Porter:

Do you think that is part of your work then going

Janice Porter:

to be or is it working with their clients, with the with the

Janice Porter:

actual client, or is it strictly working with the attorney to

Janice Porter:

help them with the skills they need to be a better divorce

Janice Porter:

lawyer. Let's say,

Deb Porter:

Well, if the attorney is is open to learning

Deb Porter:

that, yes, 100% then then that mentoring is open and available.

Deb Porter:

But the actual offer on the landing page right now is

Deb Porter:

specifically combining our ebook along with the listening

Deb Porter:

appointments for their clients. Got it? Okay?

Janice Porter:

So I something, I ask people a lot, because I

Janice Porter:

remember talking, or I told you, I taught listening as part of

Janice Porter:

the cus the telephone, courtesy that I taught, and it was used,

Janice Porter:

it was mostly around the telephone, right? Because it was

Janice Porter:

the telephone company that I worked for, so we did a lot of

Janice Porter:

telephone training, and I had a book and account I didn't find

Janice Porter:

it again. It's in my shelf somewhere about active

Janice Porter:

listening. And the very first thing that the guy talks about

Janice Porter:

is the the acronym for the word or the an anagram for the word

Janice Porter:

listen. Do. You know, you probably know it the anagram for

Janice Porter:

the word listen.

Deb Porter:

I don't actually silent. I have heard that

Deb Porter:

actually now that you say that, I'm like, Oh yeah, light bulb,

Janice Porter:

though, isn't that? Like,

Deb Porter:

yes.

Janice Porter:

How did that happen? Like, that's like,

Janice Porter:

that's just so interesting to me, just that whole concept,

Janice Porter:

because when you're listening, you need to be silent. And I

Janice Porter:

don't get it. I like, how did that happen to me? That's just a

Janice Porter:

quirk and that somebody noticed it, you know? I

Deb Porter:

think it's the universe playing with us.

Deb Porter:

Actually,

Janice Porter:

there are no accidents right there. Okay? I

Janice Porter:

just thought that was kind of fun. So do you have, and this is

Janice Porter:

putting you on the spot, but you can say no if you don't. But do

Janice Porter:

you have any a story of somebody that you, that you know really,

Janice Porter:

that you really helped and taught what they needed, that

Janice Porter:

sent them on their way a better person. Oh, it was so great,

Deb Porter:

because I love that you asked this question because

Deb Porter:

I had a conversation actually, with a mentee last night. We

Deb Porter:

happened to connect again, and she said, Oh my gosh, Deb, I was

Deb Porter:

using the skills that you taught me just today at the end of her

Deb Porter:

work day she had had. So she's a sales professional, and she

Deb Porter:

takes inbound calls for a health health company, health health

Deb Porter:

company selling products. And she ended up on a call with a

Deb Porter:

very irate client who had been mistreated by one of her

Deb Porter:

colleagues, and was they were very, very angry, and she said

Deb Porter:

that she applied absolutely everything I had taught her in

Deb Porter:

the conversation. And at the end, the person said, can I just

Deb Porter:

work with you directly? Can I just, can I just have your Can I

Deb Porter:

have your direct line and just do all my sales through you? And

Deb Porter:

she said, and debit, and debit only took 10 minutes. It only

Deb Porter:

took 10 minutes. And I was like, yes, that's that's the power of

Deb Porter:

listening. This is what this is what it is people. And it's just

Deb Porter:

so fun and so beautiful. And she was so happy, because, as she

Deb Porter:

applies it in her work, she understands now she doesn't have

Deb Porter:

to fix people's problems. She She understands because before,

Deb Porter:

when we started working she had all of this weight that she was

Deb Porter:

carrying, and she was like, dragging their problems along

Deb Porter:

with her. Like, you don't have to do that. Don't do that.

Deb Porter:

There's a better way. Let me show you how. So anyway, we work

Deb Porter:

together. She learned a lot of things. She applies it now, and,

Deb Porter:

yeah,

Janice Porter:

it's good. That's amazing. Okay, so that you need

Janice Porter:

to help me here, because customer service and customer

Janice Porter:

service issues just really rile me up when they're when I don't

Janice Porter:

get good customer service, because I used to teach it, so I

Janice Porter:

right, and it's so different today than it was okay, and

Janice Porter:

nobody seems to care. Because you can't find you can't talk to

Janice Porter:

anybody in so many sorry, in so many instances, you can't talk

Janice Porter:

to anybody. You have to, you know, talk online, chat online

Janice Porter:

or email, which drives me crazy. I want to talk to someone, so

Janice Porter:

they're great. When they when you want to buy something,

Janice Porter:

they'll talk to you. But when you want to fix something, they

Janice Porter:

really okay. So I've had this ongoing issue with my cable

Janice Porter:

company, Shaw, and I will say Shaw, which is here locally, but

Janice Porter:

it was just bought by they just merged with another company, and

Janice Porter:

the service has gone down the tubes. And when you do finally

Janice Porter:

get hold of somebody, you want them to care. They may not be

Janice Porter:

able to fix the problem themselves, but you just want

Janice Porter:

them to care, not real off the the response that they've got

Janice Porter:

written on a piece of paper that says, I'm so sorry that you've

Janice Porter:

had this. I don't get, you know, don't give me that just right,

Janice Porter:

right? So how do you deal with that? What do you do when you

Janice Porter:

come up against that? Because I'm ready to kill so I have to,

Janice Porter:

you know, I have to, first of all say to them, Look, I know

Janice Porter:

it's not your fault. I know you're reading from here, or

Janice Porter:

you're doing this because you're and you're being recorded, but I

Janice Porter:

just want somebody to help me.

Deb Porter:

That's where the story of the thrashed potatoes

Deb Porter:

in my family came from. So I actually had a really bad so my

Deb Porter:

husband was sick. We're now divorced, but my husband was

Deb Porter:

sick for very sick for eight years, and I had an experience

Deb Porter:

where I was trying to resolve a medical issue for him that was

Deb Porter:

so frustrating. It was incredibly frustrating. And I

Deb Porter:

was also fixing, trying to fix dinner and care for my kids

Deb Porter:

while I was caring for the sick man, and at the end of the call,

Deb Porter:

I thrashed the potatoes. I didn't match them. I thrashed

Deb Porter:

them. And so now it's a whole joke among our family. Anyway,

Deb Porter:

yeah, so how do I deal with it? Obviously, much like you, the

Deb Porter:

frustration grows, right? Because it's before you ever get

Deb Porter:

to the person. You're already dysregulated because you're

Deb Porter:

frustrated because you had to push crap. Was it three or was

Deb Porter:

it? Is it actually a number two issue, like, which, like trying

Deb Porter:

to understand their system so and then when you finally do get

Deb Porter:

a person, sometimes they disconnect. I've had that happen

Deb Porter:

that's incredibly, oh man, don't start on that. That's really,

Deb Porter:

really, yeah, you know, those, those people that pass the hot

Deb Porter:

potato, that's what I call it in my trainings like, you know,

Deb Porter:

like, hot potato, hot potato, hot potato. Somebody take the

Deb Porter:

time. Doesn't take long. Everybody thinks it's going to

Deb Porter:

take this long time to deal with this angry person. It doesn't.

Deb Porter:

It doesn't take a long time. It takes knowing what to do and how

Deb Porter:

to do it in a kind, compassionate way, to share, to

Deb Porter:

share some a little bit of empathy and and be honest and

Deb Porter:

authentic like and you know, managers need to be telling

Deb Porter:

people it's okay if you don't know the answer, send you know

Deb Porter:

that it's okay if you don't know the answer. And so this is part

Deb Porter:

of, you know, again, you've done training for teams. I've that's

Deb Porter:

part of what I'm doing now, training teams. How do we

Deb Porter:

deescalate these dragons that, come on, that come on, and it's

Deb Porter:

because it's an art. It is.

Janice Porter:

I mean, I finally, after three or four or

Janice Porter:

five times of waiting on hold at least an hour and a half. One

Janice Porter:

time 30 minutes, another time 30 minutes, and I can't stay. I

Janice Porter:

gotta go. I got things to do, and then I finally decided to

Janice Porter:

call the department that renegotiated my contract with

Janice Porter:

me, rather than the customer service department, because they

Janice Porter:

were real quick. So I did, and they answered, and I went, This

Janice Porter:

is amazing. I said, very interesting. And the guy said,

Janice Porter:

but you're in the wrong department. I said, I know, I

Janice Porter:

know I'm in the wrong department because I can't get through to

Janice Porter:

the right department. And the guy ended up being quite nice

Janice Porter:

about it. And he said, I'll transfer you. I said, Nope,

Janice Porter:

don't transfer me, and not unless you're going to stay on

Janice Porter:

hold until I get somebody right, because I'm not like. He said,

Janice Porter:

Listen. He said, If I transfer you to the customer service

Janice Porter:

department, you'll get through fairly quickly because you've

Janice Porter:

come from another department. I said, you're kidding. He said,

Janice Porter:

No, it's just the way it is. So I said, Okay, he transfers me, I

Janice Porter:

get through in two minutes. Wow. I'm like, I don't believe it.

Janice Porter:

What am I going to do next time? I'm not going to call customer

Janice Porter:

service. I'm going to call there and do the same thing again.

Janice Porter:

Because I can't believe that was so ridiculous. So yeah, but then

Janice Porter:

I finally got some satisfaction, because this girl did care, and

Janice Porter:

she did listen, and she, you know, assured me that she would

Janice Porter:

stay with me till my problem was solved. But the when you get so

Janice Porter:

frustrated, the first person that gets you gets all of that,

Janice Porter:

yes, they do. Yeah. So yes,

Deb Porter:

yes, they do. And it's the wise person, the one on

Deb Porter:

the front line that's getting that they have to understand

Deb Porter:

that it's not theirs to carry and it's theirs to do the best

Deb Porter:

they can in that moment, and believe that by doing that, they

Deb Porter:

have helped, and that's what matters

Janice Porter:

Well, and that's, yeah, sorry, go ahead. That's

Deb Porter:

how you go home at the end of the day and feel

Deb Porter:

satisfied. That's how you go home at the end of the day, and

Deb Porter:

you're not bringing all of this junk home with you through the

Deb Porter:

front door to your kids, yeah, or your dog, or whatever.

Janice Porter:

And a good job in what you do. Right? I think

Janice Porter:

today, though, here's a question for you, last question before I

Janice Porter:

get to something else, do you notice a difference when you're

Janice Porter:

training teams today, then maybe a few years ago, because,

Janice Porter:

because of the digital world, because things have changed so

Janice Porter:

much, because we can't get through to anybody and all of

Janice Porter:

that, and because of the generation that we're working

Janice Porter:

with in often younger Things are different. I feel like they

Janice Porter:

don't have the same empathy skills, the same listening

Janice Porter:

skills today,

Deb Porter:

yeah, since I've started my business, I've I have

Deb Porter:

created the core, which is what I teach, and the emotional

Deb Porter:

intelligence pieces are kind of baked into that and for me, and

Deb Porter:

what I found is, when you really listen to where someone's

Deb Porter:

starting from the interaction, that's where it's rich, right?

Deb Porter:

Starting starting from that, just like I talked about with

Deb Porter:

this other client, right? Started from where she was,

Deb Porter:

helped her get to where she needed to go. And just depends

Deb Porter:

on where they're starting from, what they really need from, from

Deb Porter:

me, and you see a

Janice Porter:

resistance at all with the younger people, or do

Janice Porter:

you see a tuning out at all because they everything's very

Janice Porter:

quick today, right? And so they might be listening to what

Janice Porter:

you're talking about. They're on their phone at the same time.

Deb Porter:

Hmm, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fun, because they,

Deb Porter:

they got permission for that when they were in school, and

Deb Porter:

so, yeah, they're, they're bringing it into the workplace

Deb Porter:

now, and that's a whole thing. Yes, indeed. Sorry, teachers out

Deb Porter:

there, if there's a teacher listening in, I don't know. I

Deb Porter:

don't know. Just, just

Janice Porter:

mandated here where I live, that phones aren't

Janice Porter:

allowed in the classroom anymore. But there's no

Janice Porter:

consistency about how it's being regulated. So it's going to be a

Janice Porter:

disaster. But anyway, it's another story. But yeah, so, so

Janice Porter:

do you find a difference then?

Deb Porter:

Yeah, there. There really is I. I attempt, in all

Deb Porter:

of my teaching and all of my training to be short and quick

Deb Porter:

and to make it. You know, it doesn't take a long time to

Deb Porter:

learn what I teach. It just takes practice and intention. I

Deb Porter:

really believe that, and because I do that, I really feel like

Deb Porter:

it's applicable to any any person of any age. Only Did you

Deb Porter:

know, only 2% of people, at least in the US have have ever

Deb Porter:

had any active listening training at all. 2% isn't that

Deb Porter:

astounding. It's not taught in our schools. Only 2% the that

Deb Porter:

kind of just blows my mind. That statistics probably about eight

Deb Porter:

years old, now nine years old, so I maybe it's gone up. I would

Deb Porter:

like to believe that I'm a part of that change, and I'm going to

Deb Porter:

change that a lot. But yeah, oh,

Janice Porter:

wow, yeah, that's that goes back to I'll tell you

Janice Porter:

when I think you're listening, because it's true. Yeah, that's

Janice Porter:

amazing. That's very sad, actually. Okay, this is so much

Janice Porter:

fun. I could talk about this forever, because I think it's

Janice Porter:

such an important skill and to do properly and and, you know,

Janice Porter:

even like, I have a little granddaughter who's the light of

Janice Porter:

my life, and she's just starting school, and all of the sort of

Janice Porter:

preschool training and the you know, the things that you teach

Janice Porter:

them when they're toddlers and whatever at home, if we can

Janice Porter:

teach them to listen and to act accordingly, or to learn

Janice Porter:

something by listening, as opposed to by seeing as well.

Janice Porter:

They get those that practice and so on. It's an ongoing thing.

Janice Porter:

It's a skill that we have to learn. And that's really

Janice Porter:

interesting that you that there's only 2% did you say 2%

Janice Porter:

Wow.

Deb Porter:

Okay,

Janice Porter:

amazing. Okay, how can people get hold of you?

Janice Porter:

And then I've got one last question for you. How can people

Janice Porter:

share?

Deb Porter:

Yeah, so I'm on LinkedIn. Of course you can find

Deb Porter:

me there, and if you want to send me an email, I'd love to

Deb Porter:

read it, info at hearing at life drama.com,

Janice Porter:

and I will put those that that on the show

Janice Porter:

notes. Okay, two last questions. I lied. First one, you know that

Janice Porter:

I love curiosity. It's my favorite thing. Two part

Janice Porter:

question. One, do you believe that curiosity is innate or

Janice Porter:

learned? And part two, what are you most curious about today?

Deb Porter:

I believe curiosity is innate. I believe we're born

Deb Porter:

with it. I believe a lot of us were taught away from it and

Deb Porter:

taught not to be that. Yeah, I'll leave that there. And then

Deb Porter:

the second part of your question one

Janice Porter:

more time was, what are you most curious about

Janice Porter:

these days?

Deb Porter:

I just love following. The next question. I

Deb Porter:

just love following. So like this morning, I was working with

Deb Porter:

my business partner, Linda, and we were writing blog posts for

Deb Porter:

LinkedIn, and she had an idea, and it led to another question,

Deb Porter:

another question, another question. I just love to follow.

Deb Porter:

That that's what brings me so much joy and allowing myself,

Deb Porter:

because that's really if you think about it, that's how we

Deb Porter:

started. That's how we were as kids, and we just allowed

Deb Porter:

ourselves to follow that. And so that's really what I'm about

Deb Porter:

working on now in my life, is allowing myself the joy of

Deb Porter:

reconnecting with that, because that's really the moment,

Deb Porter:

really, is what? Yes, yes, being in the moment, following that,

Deb Porter:

allowing that, yeah, that's all really, really rich and good. I

Deb Porter:

don't think it's any a curiosity, necessarily about any

Deb Porter:

one thing. It's just about allowing it all to be there.

Janice Porter:

Well, in my experience of you, you are very

Janice Porter:

good listener, and you pay attention to the details, and

Janice Porter:

you're also a very good connector, and that's very

Janice Porter:

that's a very special skill, and much appreciated, because I've

Janice Porter:

met some interesting people through you. So that's really,

Janice Porter:

really special. One last piece of advice from my audience, or

Janice Porter:

something that you want to share

Deb Porter:

if you want to be remembered, listen,

Janice Porter:

okay, love it. Thank you. Deb,

Deb Porter:

this is so thank you really good. Janice, thank

Janice Porter:

you, and I always say at the end of my podcast to

Janice Porter:

my audience, first of all, thank you, and second of all, stay

Janice Porter:

connected and be remembered. Yes, thank.

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About the Podcast

Relationships Rule
It’s always about Relationships!
Imagine that 68% of our clients leave because they feel we don’t care. Then visualize having authentic heart-based retention strategies, proven to minimize client losses, while organically generating a substantial number of loyal clients through referrals.

Catch a glimpse of how Janice opens a conversation by applying her fine-tuned curiosity. Notice how genuinely interested she is in building a relationship with her guests – heart-based business owners and entrepreneurs. In mere minutes, guests generously share their most sweet and powerful retention systems that you can adopt today!

As a seasoned relationship marketing specialist, Janice invites us to listen in weekly, as she reveals how to nurture and build relationships in real-time.

The Relationships Rule podcast’s aim, is to help you naturally ease your networking fears, so you can adopt strategies that amplify your client list, because the facts are, that today, success is built on a foundation of strong relationships. You can relax now, knowing you can activate your relationship marketing plan, by simply tuning in to Relationships Rule each week.

About your host

Profile picture for Janice Porter

Janice Porter

I began my career as a teacher, was a corporate trainer for many years, and have now found my niche in coaching business owners to network at a world-class level.
My passion is working with motivated people, who are coachable and who want to build their businesses through relationship marketing and networking (offline & online). I help my clients create retention strategies, grow through referrals, and create loyal customers by staying connected.